I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
