yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
