i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
