so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
