I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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