They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
