and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
