I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
