Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This baby is an asshole
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
