your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
The streets are paved with hand jobs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
