Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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