That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
me + whiskey = a bad person
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
