Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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