Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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