He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
