Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
