I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
