is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
