I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm like, not good at living.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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