did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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