i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
