Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
