Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
