I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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