Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
