You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
