I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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