He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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