my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Are we still banned from the library?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
