I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
