he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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