New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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