This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
