I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
