ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
