Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
