I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
