dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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