It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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