Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
