On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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