i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
