Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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