There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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