Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
