Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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