Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
