I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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