Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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