hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
